Lincolnshire Voice

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request..
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV, radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

And think about these below:
------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 (quite a bit more now, Ed) illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
---------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION (think that will mean English Constitution, Ed)

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

---------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

---------------------------------------------------------------
So; Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........

drank the milk.........

sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............

and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

"I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party. It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour has done in the last 10 years."

So true!

LETTER FROM A HAMPSHIRE FARMER TO THE MINISTER OF DEFRA

Dear Minister,

My friend who is in farming at the moment recently received a cheque for £3000 from the Rural Payments Agency, for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all agricultural policies dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to raise bacon pigs but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will be just as glad not to rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of the programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any government courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been breeding pigs for forty years or so and the best that he has ever made from them was £1,472 in 1968. That is until this year when he received a much larger cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised. This should realise an income of about £240,000 in the first year. As I become more expert at not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to say, 40,000 pigs not raised in my second year for which I would expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradeable carbon credits for all these pigs that I haven't reared not producing harmful and polluting methane gas?

Another point, these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information that you have too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields. Can this be done on an e - commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall, of course, be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully

Mr Hill

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother, in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work came back normal and her
physician, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you.
That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

TRUE STORY

You may be aware of the £1.25million that is to be spent on the new monitoring camp, sorry gypsy site, near Gainsborough, which equates to £54,000/pitch. Our team of activists have stumbled across the plans and managed to get an exclusive photo for our readers.

Click below.

Read more

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine that can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict.
The economy is healthy. There are no worries."
Gordon thinks this time machine is alright.
I'll have a bit of that so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say?"
Gordon replies, "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"

During a visit to the mental asylum (parliament? Ed), I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"