Lincolnshire Voice

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine that can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict.
The economy is healthy. There are no worries."
Gordon thinks this time machine is alright.
I'll have a bit of that so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say?"
Gordon replies, "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"

During a visit to the mental asylum (parliament? Ed), I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

HAPPY NEW YEAR

There will be no Nativity Scene in Westminster this year!

The High Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the British Capital this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Parliament.

The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole the tent'

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drummin

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

This is what happens when everybody is complacent about politics and politicians! and now we cant even change the tax raisers.

Tax his land, tax his bed,
Tax the table at which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his work, tax his pay,
He works for peanuts anyway!
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his cigars, tax his beers,
If he cries tax his tears.
Tax his car, tax his gas,
Find other ways to tax his ass
Tax all he has then let him know
That you won't be done till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers; tax him some more,
Then tax him till he's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom ...'
When he's gone, do not relax,
It's time to apply the inheritance tax.

Read more

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40

travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out to the Pearly Gates and
tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I
will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've

gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the Pearly Gates'.