Lincolnshire Voice

NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.

HARDY: Aye, aye Sir

NELSON: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?

HARDY: Sorry Sir?

NELSON: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What gobbledygook is this?

HARDY: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

HARDY: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

HARDY: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

NELSON: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead!

HARDY: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest please.

HARDY: That won't be possible, Sir.

NELSON: What?

HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

NELSON: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay,

HARDY: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’sc’le, Sir.

NELSON: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.

HARDY: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

NELSON: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

HARDY: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

NELSON: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

HARDY: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

NELSON: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

HARDY: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

NELSON: What? This is mutiny!

HARDY: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

NELSON: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

HARDY: Actually, Sir, we're not.

NELSON: We're not?

HARDY: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

NELSON: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

HARDY: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary

NELSON: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.

HARDY: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.

NELSON: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

HARDY: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

NELSON: What about sodomy?

HARDY: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.

NELSON: In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy.