Lincolnshire Voice

LETTER FROM A HAMPSHIRE FARMER TO THE MINISTER OF DEFRA

Dear Minister,

My friend who is in farming at the moment recently received a cheque for £3000 from the Rural Payments Agency, for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all agricultural policies dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to raise bacon pigs but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will be just as glad not to rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of the programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any government courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been breeding pigs for forty years or so and the best that he has ever made from them was £1,472 in 1968. That is until this year when he received a much larger cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised. This should realise an income of about £240,000 in the first year. As I become more expert at not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to say, 40,000 pigs not raised in my second year for which I would expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradeable carbon credits for all these pigs that I haven't reared not producing harmful and polluting methane gas?

Another point, these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information that you have too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields. Can this be done on an e - commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall, of course, be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully

Mr Hill